I've noticed lately that this blog is getting into much more eclectic fields lately. A Monster in Paris isn't exactly mainstream faire... Lupin III, the Oregon Trail Wii game... it's almost as if I'm just trying to find targets that haven't really had a review yet. It's not exactly that, but it does make the job somewhat easier.
In the introductions on these Too Late Reviews, I at least try to show the angle which I will be attacking the movie from. This way, you know that I'm putting a spin on the source material that you may not have thought of, or one that may have been at least lightly explored but not really fleshed out. It's odd, in that the Too Late Review that I try to write for you, the readers, is one that is new content, or at least content that I haven't seen too much of before. I hope that using my fifteen or so years of experience with deeply analyzing text stories, trying to get into the head of writers to craft jokes based on what they write, that it translates into being able to show another side of a movie that you may not have seen before. So, to sum up... this movie really has no reviews, so that allows me to write about it in the broadest terms possible rather than to go at it from an obtuse angle... a pleasant change from some of my reviews.
Of course, the audience for Mystery Science Theater 3000 is old and getting older. There's still the newer Rifftrax and Cinematic Titanic where you could pick up an Imagine Dragons reference or a Demi Lovato namedrop, but the old series is what we started dealing with here on A MSTing For All Seasons and I'm not sure if any of the youngin's really will come for that. So, I must admit that it was odd for me to have learned that the story behind the movie Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life is a recent story aimed at young adults. I suppose that I myself am late to the party.
For this movie, Wikipedia's couple-of-paragraphs allow me to lean on them slightly, so please excuse me if there's much missing from the plot synopsis. As always, Spoiler Space ahead.
Jeremy Fink's thirteenth birthday is coming up soon. He and his friend Lizzy are in the lobby of their New York apartment building when Jeremy receives a package from Lizzy's father, the mailman. In the package is a box, marked for Jeremy to open on his thirteenth birthday. In the lid is carved "The Meaning of Life", ostensibly from Jeremy's father -- who passed away five years previous due to a car/pedestrian accident. The box is a heavy wooden box that is locked with a total of four locks, but with no keys. So now, Jeremy and Lizzy have to find a way inside.
Lizzy is a planner and schemer, and she figures out a seven- or eight-step plan to try to open the box. None seem to work, even going to the locksmith, so both Lizzy and Jeremy try to go to the law office that had included a letter with the box to look for the keys. After tossing the place, they get caught by security and sent to the police department. The detective offers both children a way out, through community service by helping Mr. Oswald.
Mr. Oswald is quite the eccentric, an antiques dealer who will be retiring soon. He has the kids picked up in a limousine and explains to them what he wants them to do... namely, delivering items that were pawned by their previous owners so that the owners could do something greater with their lives. Accompanying each of the pawned items (example: telescope pawned by astronomer) is a letter describing why each was pawned. Jeremy and Lizzy learn quite a bit from each of the persons they make deliveries to, my favorite being the old astronomer. When Jeremy learns about why the astronomer pawned his telescope, he tells the astronomer that it just raises twenty new questions. The astronomer comments to Jeremy that being able to keep asking questions even into old age is a rare gift, and one that he should always continue.
There are times that both children feel let down... at one point, Jeremy trashes his pet project, a time machine that he wishes he could use in order to bring back his father. He laments the fact that circumstances weren't even slightly different in one scene of the movie, which brought back memories to a far more tedious scene played out in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (covered in previous review on this blog). His friend Lizzy tosses the pieces after Jeremy's fit of anger.
At the end of the movie, Mr. Oswald is grateful for the help that both children provide and offers them anything that they could want in his library/study area. Lizzy takes a porcelain doll, and Oswald produces a suitcase full of keys to Jeremy. Jeremy takes it gleefully, and then tries to unlock each of the four locks on the box with the myriad keys. They find three keys that fit, but not the fourth... meanwhile, it's 2AM on Jeremy's birthday, so he finally gives up and goes to sleep.
The next day, during the birthday party, Jeremy receives the old telescope as a gift and then opens another box... it's the key to his old time machine, which just so happened to be the fourth key to the box. He opens the box and receives a heartfelt letter from his father.
The backstory from the father is that Jeremy's father went to Coney Island one day when he was thirteen, and went to the psychic to have his fortune told. The psychic, mean person that she is, told him that he'd die by the age of forty. Jeremy's father was the type to take that seriously, and in the letter describes how at first he was fixated on the idea of death being a large part of life... until he realized that life is made up of moments, and it matters more the use we make of those moments. Jeremy's father did mention in the letter that not all of the moments of Jeremy's life will be the important ones, but wished that his son would know and understand when one of those moments would happen for him. In the box... are rocks. Meticulously noted are the moments that occurred when Jeremy's father collected each of the rocks, though none of the rocks are actually labelled so that Jeremy knows.
Jeremy then dashes back to Mr. Oswald's house, and learns that Mr. Oswald really is going to Florida. However, he finds out from the limousine chauffeur that his father was the one that pretty much set everything up. He met Mr. Oswald in the flea markets, and set about collecting all of the old items that were of importance to others... and asked all those others to make Jeremy's thirteenth birthday such a special occasion for Jeremy. Everyone, from both Jeremy's mom and Lizzy's dad, through the locksmith, through the detective and the security guard at the law office, and all of the people they interacted with... were all on the birthday surprise. And now, Jeremy has one more special reason to not only remember his father, but to make his life into one that he wishes to make it into.
Spoiler space over.
This movie had a very simple and beautiful way to tell the audience reading this book that even though each of the moments is personal, that they can still be shared with the person you love. On top of that, Jeremy's father, from beyond the grave, encouraged Jeremy to make a collection of his own moments that were special. Love allowed this message to come across to Jeremy, and... well, hey, er....
For a review, this was really a sweet movie. The same movie watcher can watch the same movie twice and come to two rather radical decisions... in some way, I try to allow for this in my reviews when I assign a number grade to a movie. I attempt to think about how a movie may work if I'm as ultra-receptive as possible, and then think about the movie in an almost nihilistic MSTing point of view. I suspect that a few things going on in my life (including the fact that I have children ages 11-10-7-3) allow me to be more receptive to this movie than I may ordinarily be, but in all seriousness the emotion felt eager. The child actors did a good job of just being children... and if you're receptive to the message, it's a strong and heartfelt one. Just don't let the tone put you off in the first few minutes... and if you find that it is, just swap out the movie until a time that you're feeling a bit more mellow. It'll always be there.
I can certainly understand how this could be taken as treacly... I mean, there were some really far-fetched things going on (such as the details shared in the last paragraph of the plot outline, Mr. Oswald's true gift at the end... it would have been so interesting for the gift to have been another, less-famous of the type along with a note telling him to keep searching and to never give up).
But, hey. This movie sums up in ninety minutes really two of the reasons that I'm doing this blog. I want to be able to share some of myself with you, which is one of the messages that the father's gift allows to Jeremy. And remembering your moments (like your favorite movies) and writing them down will allow you to revisit those moments, to give you the feelings and emotions that you once had. Writing is so liberating in that regard... and through writing, I hope that my emotion shines through even as the movie's does. I don't wish to lead a life of quiet desperation (in a famous Thoreau quote)... this movie encourages you to make happy memories, and I would be remiss if I didn't do the same.
Final review: 3.2. I would certainly watch this movie again, especially with my family.
Happy Autumn everybody, and thank you for your patience with us here in the last two months. I'm still trying to establish a better and easier schedule for me to publish, and I truly hope that all our readers are still enjoying what reviews and articles we're able to post.
22 September 2013
01 September 2013
#2LR Too Late Review: Epic
There's more than a little to report as the calendar shifts to September. Our little blog is about to crest 10,000 hits, which is certainly not exactly a big deal in the Land of Internet... spamlink posts designed to get little ol' me to click on them probably contributed around 350-500 of these hits, so it's really a hollow number regardless. At the very least, we're getting roughly the same number of legitimate hits per month, 350-500, and I thank you all for reading our musings and reviews. It's been about a year or so since I started posting more frequently, and I can see that there's interest in the numbers. Thanks for everyone, you readers are on the cutting edge of this ride and I hope that you all enjoy it.
I'm also typing this on my fixed laptop. Best Buy *wants* you to buy a new laptop, hence the $300-$700 quote. HP is at least slightly interested in keeping their equipment running. $200 later, my screen works and all of the niggling little things (loose battery packs, cameras that don't work, etc.) are taken care of. It's $200 that I didn't want to spend, but those people at HP managed to turn around my service call in only two days flat... I boxed up the package on a Wednesday, HP received it, fixed it, and boxed it back up on Thursday, and I had it back in my hands by Friday. Thankfully, HP didn't do a system refresh on it, so I don't have to spend the next two weeks figuring out what software was and wasn't installed. I'm both grateful and annoyed at the same time... gratenoyed? ann-ateful?
Which leads me to tonight's review. I'm at least as current as it gets around here, reviewing the movie Epic, which was released in late May of 2013. The movie is based on a book by William Joyce, which I had never read before anyway... you're getting nothing but critique without the Harry Potter-ish book insights or complaints.
Spoiler space below:
In some indeterminate forest, there's a fight in the air between little skull dudes on larger black birds (ravens?) and little dudes in green armor, riding ruby-throated hummingbirds. The little skull dudes -- "Boggans" -- always seem to outnumber the green armor dudes -- "Leafmen", but the Leafmen manage to make up for it with better tactics and the ability to take out multiple Boggans.
One of the Leafmen is woefully out of place, Nod. He pulls multiple Beetle Baileys and is ultimately kicked out of the Leafmen ranks for not being a team player by another of the protagonists, Ronin. Ronin carries himself rather like a stereotypical Japanese warrior, between the kendo-style armor (without faceguard), the katana blade, and the hand holding the blade, where one thumb is enough to expose the blade to show that "he means business".
In the world of us regular-sized people, Mary Katherine (MK) is being dropped off at a solitary house in the woods. Her father Bomba has wired the whole forest for sound, trying to keep an eye on the little people with all the cameras he's rigged in the forest. He's meticulous, keeping a map of all the contacts, and even has a miniature display of Boggan armor.
Back to the little people, the Queen of the Forest has to hand her powers over soon. She helps everything to live, while the Boggans derive the power to decay from their leader. The night that the story opens is the important one, as she needs to pick a pod in order to transfer her power, and the pod has to bloom by the light of the full moon on the summer solstice. (Time to set up a new system, Queenie.)
Meanwhile, MK finds that she's not crazy living with dear obsessed Dad after a short time and ends up writing a goodbye note. She packs her bag and calls the taxi to depart. However, the little three-legged, one-eyed dog escapes the house, and MK chases after it.
As the queen and the Leafmen come back from pod-picking, they get ambushed by Boggans. The Queen ends up shot through the chest, and at the same time MK and the dog bust onto the scene. MK happens across the odd little panorama, and the queen's magic ends up shrinking MK to little-person size, with instructions on how to deal with the pod.
From here, Nod, Ronin, MK, and the two slug pod caretakers end up on a whirlwind adventure, getting instructions from one of the oldest trees in the forest via a caterpillar, to losing the pod, to infiltrating the Boggan headquarters, to almost getting caught by obsessive-compulsive Daddy, to almost failing when the pod is to be opened via the moonlight. MK figures out why the Queen used her magic to call MK into the land of little people, as she serves as the conduit to her father who's able to deal with the Boggan menace and save the day at the end.
Refreshingly, the story ends as Nod and MK share one last kiss, and she returns to full size. She realizes her dad isn't a complete kook, definitely wants to stay by the forest so that she can talk to Nod via the forest webcams, and finds out that her place in life is in the forest. (For the time being, at least.)
Spoiler space over.
It's quite a bit up there, isn't it? Originally, I was going to just shrug my shoulders and give up, because the screenwriters packed in a lot of stuff into the movie, including frogs, vast multitudes of talking plants, all the odd mythos that I had a bit of a hard time keeping up with, and so on. This is a movie that you can't just get up to refresh your drink or go get some popcorn... either you're going to miss a portion of a fight sequence that you need to keep up with what's going on, or you're going to miss a plot point that will be important at some time in the future. This movie is dense.
Our family bought the movie and decided to have a family night watching it, and I can tell how the movie was with the reactions of our children:
11-year-old: mostly interested.
10-year-old: at times, dozed off. Other times, watched.
7-year-old: as interested in cuddling as in watching the film.
3-year-old: playing on my legs like a jungle gym.
When the ten-year-old talked to us after the movie, he expressed interest in watching it again. I asked him why, as we had watched it last night, and he mentioned that he was asleep through a few portions but wanted to see them in context again.
So, I suppose that this will be the basis of my final grade for this movie. The action sequences are typically fun if a bit dizzying, the plot is dense and dizzying unless you're really giving some attention to the movie, and if you do it does feel like you've seen a long, twisty-turny story. This movie is not a pass-the-time movie, it's a "give me ATTENSHUNS! nom nom nom" movie. The only issue is that you have to keep yourself interested in the movie to keep going forward, and if you lose focus.... you're in the net, watching the other tightrope walkers try to balance their way across to the denouement.
Final review: 2.3
I'm also typing this on my fixed laptop. Best Buy *wants* you to buy a new laptop, hence the $300-$700 quote. HP is at least slightly interested in keeping their equipment running. $200 later, my screen works and all of the niggling little things (loose battery packs, cameras that don't work, etc.) are taken care of. It's $200 that I didn't want to spend, but those people at HP managed to turn around my service call in only two days flat... I boxed up the package on a Wednesday, HP received it, fixed it, and boxed it back up on Thursday, and I had it back in my hands by Friday. Thankfully, HP didn't do a system refresh on it, so I don't have to spend the next two weeks figuring out what software was and wasn't installed. I'm both grateful and annoyed at the same time... gratenoyed? ann-ateful?
Which leads me to tonight's review. I'm at least as current as it gets around here, reviewing the movie Epic, which was released in late May of 2013. The movie is based on a book by William Joyce, which I had never read before anyway... you're getting nothing but critique without the Harry Potter-ish book insights or complaints.
Spoiler space below:
In some indeterminate forest, there's a fight in the air between little skull dudes on larger black birds (ravens?) and little dudes in green armor, riding ruby-throated hummingbirds. The little skull dudes -- "Boggans" -- always seem to outnumber the green armor dudes -- "Leafmen", but the Leafmen manage to make up for it with better tactics and the ability to take out multiple Boggans.
One of the Leafmen is woefully out of place, Nod. He pulls multiple Beetle Baileys and is ultimately kicked out of the Leafmen ranks for not being a team player by another of the protagonists, Ronin. Ronin carries himself rather like a stereotypical Japanese warrior, between the kendo-style armor (without faceguard), the katana blade, and the hand holding the blade, where one thumb is enough to expose the blade to show that "he means business".
In the world of us regular-sized people, Mary Katherine (MK) is being dropped off at a solitary house in the woods. Her father Bomba has wired the whole forest for sound, trying to keep an eye on the little people with all the cameras he's rigged in the forest. He's meticulous, keeping a map of all the contacts, and even has a miniature display of Boggan armor.
Back to the little people, the Queen of the Forest has to hand her powers over soon. She helps everything to live, while the Boggans derive the power to decay from their leader. The night that the story opens is the important one, as she needs to pick a pod in order to transfer her power, and the pod has to bloom by the light of the full moon on the summer solstice. (Time to set up a new system, Queenie.)
Meanwhile, MK finds that she's not crazy living with dear obsessed Dad after a short time and ends up writing a goodbye note. She packs her bag and calls the taxi to depart. However, the little three-legged, one-eyed dog escapes the house, and MK chases after it.
As the queen and the Leafmen come back from pod-picking, they get ambushed by Boggans. The Queen ends up shot through the chest, and at the same time MK and the dog bust onto the scene. MK happens across the odd little panorama, and the queen's magic ends up shrinking MK to little-person size, with instructions on how to deal with the pod.
From here, Nod, Ronin, MK, and the two slug pod caretakers end up on a whirlwind adventure, getting instructions from one of the oldest trees in the forest via a caterpillar, to losing the pod, to infiltrating the Boggan headquarters, to almost getting caught by obsessive-compulsive Daddy, to almost failing when the pod is to be opened via the moonlight. MK figures out why the Queen used her magic to call MK into the land of little people, as she serves as the conduit to her father who's able to deal with the Boggan menace and save the day at the end.
Refreshingly, the story ends as Nod and MK share one last kiss, and she returns to full size. She realizes her dad isn't a complete kook, definitely wants to stay by the forest so that she can talk to Nod via the forest webcams, and finds out that her place in life is in the forest. (For the time being, at least.)
Spoiler space over.
It's quite a bit up there, isn't it? Originally, I was going to just shrug my shoulders and give up, because the screenwriters packed in a lot of stuff into the movie, including frogs, vast multitudes of talking plants, all the odd mythos that I had a bit of a hard time keeping up with, and so on. This is a movie that you can't just get up to refresh your drink or go get some popcorn... either you're going to miss a portion of a fight sequence that you need to keep up with what's going on, or you're going to miss a plot point that will be important at some time in the future. This movie is dense.
Our family bought the movie and decided to have a family night watching it, and I can tell how the movie was with the reactions of our children:
11-year-old: mostly interested.
10-year-old: at times, dozed off. Other times, watched.
7-year-old: as interested in cuddling as in watching the film.
3-year-old: playing on my legs like a jungle gym.
When the ten-year-old talked to us after the movie, he expressed interest in watching it again. I asked him why, as we had watched it last night, and he mentioned that he was asleep through a few portions but wanted to see them in context again.
So, I suppose that this will be the basis of my final grade for this movie. The action sequences are typically fun if a bit dizzying, the plot is dense and dizzying unless you're really giving some attention to the movie, and if you do it does feel like you've seen a long, twisty-turny story. This movie is not a pass-the-time movie, it's a "give me ATTENSHUNS! nom nom nom" movie. The only issue is that you have to keep yourself interested in the movie to keep going forward, and if you lose focus.... you're in the net, watching the other tightrope walkers try to balance their way across to the denouement.
Final review: 2.3
27 August 2013
#2LR Too Late Review: A Monster in Paris
Tonight's #2LR Too Late Review is A Monster in Paris. Yeah, I hadn't heard of it either. That's okay, though, feel free to check your Netflix instant queue, that's where my wife found it. The movie is a family movie, and it's perfectly suitable for kids (not like, say, Shrek with the occasional joke that the kids ask to have explained and you feel slightly uncomfortable). It's in the cookie-cutter CGI mold, so if you've seen, for instance, Megamind or Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, you'll be familiar with the art.
Getting back to how obscure this movie is, this movie is really obscure. I don't know if any additional hits will generate from me writing about it here, but that's okay; me remembering the movie and telling you readers about it is fine, too. I'm writing this description just as much for me so that I can remember the movie as I am writing for you readers to enjoy.
Spoiler Space ahead (and this time, it really means something!)
The movie is set in Paris, 1910. The backdrop is a Paris that is partially submerged from a flood that no one really expected. Film projectionist Emile is shown first, daydreaming about his crush Maud, but gets interrupted by best friend Raoul. Before Emile can ask Maud out for the first time, Raoul drags Emile away on a whirlwind adventure running Raoul's delivery route.
At the last stop of the night, they come across the greenhouse and lab of the curator of the botanical gardens. He has a monkey valet (!) that is intelligent enough to provide cards to respond to questions. After repeated warnings, Emile and Raoul end up playing in the lab, first creating a giant sunflower and then inadvertantly splashing an unoffending flea. The flea grows to seven feet tall and runs off before attacking.
The police commissioner, Maynott, gets wind that a "monster" is loose in the city and uses it as a crisis to punch up his candidacy for mayor of France. (Noun, verb, nine-eleven!) There are various sightings of the bug through the city, e.g. an old woman, a man and wife, etc. Eventually it comes to the doorstop of one of Paris' leading clubs, The Rare Bird. There's a featured signer there... no, not Ol' Blue Eyes, but a girl that Raoul is crushing on but doesn't want to admit.
The singer, Lucille, also gets startled by the seven-foot flea. The flea saves her when she swoons, making sure she doesn't hit the ground. She comes to while still in the flea's ... uh, arms, I suppose, and scrambles back to the relative safety of the building she just left. The flea remains outside, and then... starts singing. (Keep following me, don't get sidetracked.) This happened from one of the other potions that Emile and Raoul were playing with in the botanical gardens. When the monkey was hit with it first, he gains a beautiful singing voice, and the flea is no different. The flea can't seem to communicate by talking, just singing... much like the real-life Flea.
Lucille is enchanted by the singing and sets about disguising the bug from the city's rampaging policemen. She manages to find a leftover mask from The Phantom of the Opera and adds a white variant on the Zorro costume for the giant flea, which she renames Francoeur. Francoeur shows an aptitude for the guitar, and ends up on stage with Lucille when she performs next... his odd falsetto voice providing counterpart to her smooth alto as they sing a tribute to La Seine. Go ahead, check the link out... it's only 166 seconds, and the music gets your toes tapping at least.
Afterward, Lucille and Raoul (remember, one of the two male protagonists) manage to find their mutual attraction. As they troop down to the dressing room, Raoul and Emile find out that Francoeur is the giant flea, the Monster in Paris, and now they've been inducted into the little gang. Commissioner Maynott receives word that Lucille is hiding the flea, and searches her quarters, but Raoul and Emile hid Francoeur well enough to avoid detection. When the police depart, the conspirators decide on a plan, essentially staging Francoeur's death during a rally for Maynott's run for mayor of Paris. One of Maynott's assistants sniffs out the subterfuge, and the subsequent scenes all converge on the Eiffel Tower, currently standing above about fifteen feet of water.
The penultimate scene throws Maud back into the mix, as the now four friends and the monkey try their darndest to keep Maynott from killing Francoeur. The movie kind of loses steam at this point, I'm sad to say... the denouement was a bit surprising in that it felt like the screenwriters didn't know how to really end it well, unless you think about it a bit.
There's a final encore at the club where Lucille sings, and a short vignette about how Lucille and Raoul first met. Then come the credits.
Spoiler space over
This is easily one of the most obscure movies I've reviewed. It also manages to give its characters more than a bit of heart, including not just resorting to "big, ugly, scary mean person" as shorthand for the antagonist. The antagonist is shown as venal and lazy, and with the depth (or lack thereof) on his character it's not a guilt trip that you root against him. In this movie, people were *people*. Heck, the monkey and the flea were even people, with the monkey providing comic relief and the flea filling in as the Frankenstein's Monster reluctant scarer du' jour.
It also helped that the music was enjoyable. One of my own family members was not present for the Youtube scene I linked above, and I'll repost it here if anyone skipped Spoiler Space. The actress who played Lucille did a terrific job through the singing portions, and while it was disconcerting to hear Julian Lennon singing higher than her, it actually kind of worked.
There's plenty of humor, there's very little (if any) blue humor, and it was a marvelous way to pass a quick ninety minutes. There's not too many movies that can say the same thing, even if the moralizing was laid on a bit thick (look, ma, the giant flea wasn't the monster, it was the mean police commissioner!).
Final rating: 3.2
Getting back to how obscure this movie is, this movie is really obscure. I don't know if any additional hits will generate from me writing about it here, but that's okay; me remembering the movie and telling you readers about it is fine, too. I'm writing this description just as much for me so that I can remember the movie as I am writing for you readers to enjoy.
Spoiler Space ahead (and this time, it really means something!)
The movie is set in Paris, 1910. The backdrop is a Paris that is partially submerged from a flood that no one really expected. Film projectionist Emile is shown first, daydreaming about his crush Maud, but gets interrupted by best friend Raoul. Before Emile can ask Maud out for the first time, Raoul drags Emile away on a whirlwind adventure running Raoul's delivery route.
At the last stop of the night, they come across the greenhouse and lab of the curator of the botanical gardens. He has a monkey valet (!) that is intelligent enough to provide cards to respond to questions. After repeated warnings, Emile and Raoul end up playing in the lab, first creating a giant sunflower and then inadvertantly splashing an unoffending flea. The flea grows to seven feet tall and runs off before attacking.
The police commissioner, Maynott, gets wind that a "monster" is loose in the city and uses it as a crisis to punch up his candidacy for mayor of France. (Noun, verb, nine-eleven!) There are various sightings of the bug through the city, e.g. an old woman, a man and wife, etc. Eventually it comes to the doorstop of one of Paris' leading clubs, The Rare Bird. There's a featured signer there... no, not Ol' Blue Eyes, but a girl that Raoul is crushing on but doesn't want to admit.
The singer, Lucille, also gets startled by the seven-foot flea. The flea saves her when she swoons, making sure she doesn't hit the ground. She comes to while still in the flea's ... uh, arms, I suppose, and scrambles back to the relative safety of the building she just left. The flea remains outside, and then... starts singing. (Keep following me, don't get sidetracked.) This happened from one of the other potions that Emile and Raoul were playing with in the botanical gardens. When the monkey was hit with it first, he gains a beautiful singing voice, and the flea is no different. The flea can't seem to communicate by talking, just singing... much like the real-life Flea.
Lucille is enchanted by the singing and sets about disguising the bug from the city's rampaging policemen. She manages to find a leftover mask from The Phantom of the Opera and adds a white variant on the Zorro costume for the giant flea, which she renames Francoeur. Francoeur shows an aptitude for the guitar, and ends up on stage with Lucille when she performs next... his odd falsetto voice providing counterpart to her smooth alto as they sing a tribute to La Seine. Go ahead, check the link out... it's only 166 seconds, and the music gets your toes tapping at least.
Afterward, Lucille and Raoul (remember, one of the two male protagonists) manage to find their mutual attraction. As they troop down to the dressing room, Raoul and Emile find out that Francoeur is the giant flea, the Monster in Paris, and now they've been inducted into the little gang. Commissioner Maynott receives word that Lucille is hiding the flea, and searches her quarters, but Raoul and Emile hid Francoeur well enough to avoid detection. When the police depart, the conspirators decide on a plan, essentially staging Francoeur's death during a rally for Maynott's run for mayor of Paris. One of Maynott's assistants sniffs out the subterfuge, and the subsequent scenes all converge on the Eiffel Tower, currently standing above about fifteen feet of water.
The penultimate scene throws Maud back into the mix, as the now four friends and the monkey try their darndest to keep Maynott from killing Francoeur. The movie kind of loses steam at this point, I'm sad to say... the denouement was a bit surprising in that it felt like the screenwriters didn't know how to really end it well, unless you think about it a bit.
There's a final encore at the club where Lucille sings, and a short vignette about how Lucille and Raoul first met. Then come the credits.
Spoiler space over
This is easily one of the most obscure movies I've reviewed. It also manages to give its characters more than a bit of heart, including not just resorting to "big, ugly, scary mean person" as shorthand for the antagonist. The antagonist is shown as venal and lazy, and with the depth (or lack thereof) on his character it's not a guilt trip that you root against him. In this movie, people were *people*. Heck, the monkey and the flea were even people, with the monkey providing comic relief and the flea filling in as the Frankenstein's Monster reluctant scarer du' jour.
It also helped that the music was enjoyable. One of my own family members was not present for the Youtube scene I linked above, and I'll repost it here if anyone skipped Spoiler Space. The actress who played Lucille did a terrific job through the singing portions, and while it was disconcerting to hear Julian Lennon singing higher than her, it actually kind of worked.
There's plenty of humor, there's very little (if any) blue humor, and it was a marvelous way to pass a quick ninety minutes. There's not too many movies that can say the same thing, even if the moralizing was laid on a bit thick (look, ma, the giant flea wasn't the monster, it was the mean police commissioner!).
Final rating: 3.2
23 August 2013
Pissed beyond belief.
Laptop #2 was an HP Pavilion dv7. I say "was", because it's a fricking brick now. Well, not entirely... but the screen is now officially dead, and I've been told by the estimable people at Best Buy that it costs between $300 and $700 to get it repaired. NOT worth it, considering that it was $700 to begin with.
So, yeah. Thanks, HP, for giving me a laptop that CAN'T EVEN LAST TWO EFFING YEARS. I bought it in December 2011... and now it's not a laptop anymore by August 2013. Terrific job, you guys.
Anyone know who makes a laptop that can last for more than two years? The Asus barely made it to the two-year mark, dying in July 2011 after I purchased it in August 2009... yet, the same Best Buy technician said that those were the BEST TWO brands. (Wow... really?)
So, yeah. Thanks, HP, for giving me a laptop that CAN'T EVEN LAST TWO EFFING YEARS. I bought it in December 2011... and now it's not a laptop anymore by August 2013. Terrific job, you guys.
Anyone know who makes a laptop that can last for more than two years? The Asus barely made it to the two-year mark, dying in July 2011 after I purchased it in August 2009... yet, the same Best Buy technician said that those were the BEST TWO brands. (Wow... really?)
20 August 2013
Hitman: Absolution Review (XBOX 360 Version)
You know, I was originally going to come up with a joke title for this review, like 'Batman: Absolution' or 'Hitmans Creed', but then I remembered that those games were actually good and fun to play... this game, not so much. And if I sound more bitter than usual for this review, that's because I am.
Warning: Mild Spoilers follow:
The Hitman series, at least for me, didn't get really good until the fourth installment 'Hitman: Blood Money' which I consider to be a masterpiece of stealth gaming and a title that I'm proud to have in my collection and replay at least once a year. It's always a drag when I realize a sequel is inferior in just about every way except graphics, naturally.
'Hitman: Absolution' is yet another example of a beloved series being dumbed down in order to reach a wider audience and losing focus on what made the series great to begin with. And this time not only does the gameplay suffer, but the story and the main character, Agent 47 as well. Wonderful.
Let's start with gameplay. In past Hitman games, going in guns blazing usually got you killed pretty quickly or at least raised your notoriety to such a high level that it made the game needlessly difficult, though granted, it was fun to blow off steam sometimes for tough levels that you could try again later when you got it out of your system or just wanted to see how hard the game could get by ending every mission in a bloodbath.
In 'Absolution', gunning down everyone in sight is not only considered a practical option, there's now a point-shooting mechanic where you can mark several targets at once and then sit back and watch 47 murder all of them in cool slo-mo. Except Hitman isn't supposed to be a John Woo film. Or Rambo for that matter. Not to say you don't have the option of being meticulous and stealthy with your kills but with the new shooting mechanics and lack of long-term consequences, it just seems like the game fully expected and in some spots, encouraged the player to lose patience with it and start blasting.
Also, this game has Eagle... sorry, I mean INSTINCT vision which slows down time and lights up your target like a roman candle and makes them easier to spot in a crowd. Now I can understand how some people would prefer this to looking for your target on an interactive map and that the map isn't as necessary because the areas in this game are smaller, but it just felt out of place for me, like Agent 47 had suddenly developed superpowers and yes, I know being able to spot a moving target as a red dot on a map isn't exactly realistic either. Maybe this is just a nitpicky moment for me, but I really didn't care for this kind of mechanic in a Hitman game at all.
Another thing that REALLY annoyed me was respawning enemies. When people died in previous Hitman games, they stayed dead unless you restarted the mission. This one, they come back if you die midway through the mission for NO GOOD REASON and FUCK YOU to whoever came up with that idiotic design decision. As for the multiplayer, I didn't try it so I can't comment on that aspect of the game.
Unlike previous games, 'Absolution' doesn't assign specific missions by your handler, Diana, whom I can't really discuss without going into heavy spoilers, and the entire game has you trying to protect and later rescue a mysterious teenage girl whom two baddies want to exploit to serve their own ends. More on them later.
There's also no newspapers detailing your exploits or raising your notoriety, no weapons or tools to buy, no pre-mission briefings or optional missions to take for personal gain, just you and whatever you can find in the location you're at, which would've been interesting to do for maybe one mission or two, but was it really necessary for the ENTIRE GAME?
Also, the levels in this game are much smaller, each one feeling like you're in a single large room instead of exploring a entire area. Maybe this was necessary in order to maintain the level of graphic quality with a smooth frame rate but it felt more like a big step backwards to me.
Speaking of a step backwards, let's talk about disguises. The effectiveness of disguises in early Hitman games could be twitchy and even if you did nothing wrong, you could be found out. In 'Blood Money' they improved this mechanic by having suspicious people walk up to you and either politely ask or loudly demand for you to explain your presence in a restricted area. If you failed to respond after a few moments, THEN they would pull out their guns, which was a big improvement over them IMMEDIATELY pulling their guns to blow you away if you so much as sniffed your nose the wrong way.
Well, apparently the developers of 'Absolution' decided that people should see through your disguises quicker despite what you do, forcing you to either constantly change clothes during the mission or kill the person currently annoying you. The fact that the game now allows you to stuff two bodies in a bin, instead of one as in previous Hitman games suggests to me they expected you to choose the latter option. ^_^;
Now I'll try my best to summarize the story for this game: YEE-HAW! Well, that was easy. Seriously though, it's like the developers of the previous game were replaced with good old boys and they looked at the Mississippi missions from 'Blood Money' and said "Hot Damn! We should make the whole game like that!" Maybe they should have called this game 'Hitman: Deliverance'. ^_^;
The game's... secondary villain? Primary villain? I dunno, there were a few of them and not one of them seemed all that more important than the others... is some stereotypical redneck that we're supposed to believe heads a R&D facility when the character isn't qualified to run a pie eating contest. The other villain is a typical bland American bad guy who also seems woefully unqualified as the new head of the ICA. Also notable is that both of these baddies have hot female assistants that are clearly more intelligent than either of them but they add virtually nothing to the story.
Speaking of adding nothing, let's talk about the Saints for a moment. And I don't mean the Saints of 'Saints Row' although Johnny Gat Vs. Agent 47 would be an interesting fight. I personally had no problems with the sexy killer nuns trailer that got so many people upset, because I figured those characters and their bizarre choice of costume would be explained in greater detail in the game.
Well, unless their role was drastically reduced because of all the negative publicity, the Saints had practically no presence or impact in the game at all. They were just another hit squad that appears in one level that were ridiculously easy to pick off one by one. No backstory, no explanation why they dressed like fetish nuns, NOTHING. And I don't care if the novels (which I haven't read) or the Hitman Wiki explains them in more detail, the game gave us nothing to go on and the whole exercise was in my mind completely pointless unless it was simply to generate controversy to sell the game, in which case, mission fucking accomplished but IMHO, the execution (no pun intended) stunk.
Now I'd like to discuss the main character, Agent 47 for a moment. For those new to the series, his basic backstory is that he is a clone that was trained as an assassin. He killed his creator and briefly attempted to live a normal life but found it to be impossible. He accepted this truth and what he was and became the perfect Hitman. And while he is not completely without emotion or empathy, he never lets it interfere with his job. He is also NOT a fool who takes on situations beyond his abilities to handle or acts like an idiot unless the player decides to play him that way during a mission.
In 'Absolution', Agent 47 commits several acts out of the player's control which can only be described as FUCKING STUPID. Chief among them, he gives up his famous silenced baller pistols to an informant in exchange for information, which he would NEVER do in a million years. Did the game have so little confidence in its enemy AI that it felt the need to make Agent 47 as vulnerable as possible? Or maybe they did it so they would have a weak excuse to explain away a later scene where the Redneck's main henchman, who's basically Bane from 'Batman' without the mask, knocks Agent 47 out when he attempts to GAROTTE him. REALLY?
I'm sorry, but I simply can't summon the suspension of disbelief necessary to buy that the world's greatest hitman is so stupid that he thinks he can strangle to death a man several times his own size when a bullet would do the job far more safely and efficiently. But no, the game needed to have Agent 47 unconscious and vulnerable and this was the only way the developers could think of to do it. ^_^;
Let's see, what else did I miss... Yeah, the graphics look nice, I guess. But the scope of the game felt reduced with the smaller rooms so it didn't really impress me. The music was crap, but then that's no surprise since Jesper Kyd wasn't involved in scoring this game and personally, I'm kinda glad he wasn't involved with this shit. Oh yeah, there was also a sequence late in the game where a big deal is made of Agent 47 getting his famous trademark silk suit back... which he then promptly leaves behind getting into disguise to infiltrate a building. Unless, of course, you go in guns blazing. 9_9
So yeah, I pretty much despised this game. I only played through it once and I have honestly no desire whatsoever to do so again. If you've never played a Hitman game before, I strongly urge you to pick up 'Hitman: Blood Money' for the 360 or PC instead as it is SO much better, IMHO.
Warning: Mild Spoilers follow:
The Hitman series, at least for me, didn't get really good until the fourth installment 'Hitman: Blood Money' which I consider to be a masterpiece of stealth gaming and a title that I'm proud to have in my collection and replay at least once a year. It's always a drag when I realize a sequel is inferior in just about every way except graphics, naturally.
'Hitman: Absolution' is yet another example of a beloved series being dumbed down in order to reach a wider audience and losing focus on what made the series great to begin with. And this time not only does the gameplay suffer, but the story and the main character, Agent 47 as well. Wonderful.
Let's start with gameplay. In past Hitman games, going in guns blazing usually got you killed pretty quickly or at least raised your notoriety to such a high level that it made the game needlessly difficult, though granted, it was fun to blow off steam sometimes for tough levels that you could try again later when you got it out of your system or just wanted to see how hard the game could get by ending every mission in a bloodbath.
In 'Absolution', gunning down everyone in sight is not only considered a practical option, there's now a point-shooting mechanic where you can mark several targets at once and then sit back and watch 47 murder all of them in cool slo-mo. Except Hitman isn't supposed to be a John Woo film. Or Rambo for that matter. Not to say you don't have the option of being meticulous and stealthy with your kills but with the new shooting mechanics and lack of long-term consequences, it just seems like the game fully expected and in some spots, encouraged the player to lose patience with it and start blasting.
Also, this game has Eagle... sorry, I mean INSTINCT vision which slows down time and lights up your target like a roman candle and makes them easier to spot in a crowd. Now I can understand how some people would prefer this to looking for your target on an interactive map and that the map isn't as necessary because the areas in this game are smaller, but it just felt out of place for me, like Agent 47 had suddenly developed superpowers and yes, I know being able to spot a moving target as a red dot on a map isn't exactly realistic either. Maybe this is just a nitpicky moment for me, but I really didn't care for this kind of mechanic in a Hitman game at all.
Another thing that REALLY annoyed me was respawning enemies. When people died in previous Hitman games, they stayed dead unless you restarted the mission. This one, they come back if you die midway through the mission for NO GOOD REASON and FUCK YOU to whoever came up with that idiotic design decision. As for the multiplayer, I didn't try it so I can't comment on that aspect of the game.
Unlike previous games, 'Absolution' doesn't assign specific missions by your handler, Diana, whom I can't really discuss without going into heavy spoilers, and the entire game has you trying to protect and later rescue a mysterious teenage girl whom two baddies want to exploit to serve their own ends. More on them later.
There's also no newspapers detailing your exploits or raising your notoriety, no weapons or tools to buy, no pre-mission briefings or optional missions to take for personal gain, just you and whatever you can find in the location you're at, which would've been interesting to do for maybe one mission or two, but was it really necessary for the ENTIRE GAME?
Also, the levels in this game are much smaller, each one feeling like you're in a single large room instead of exploring a entire area. Maybe this was necessary in order to maintain the level of graphic quality with a smooth frame rate but it felt more like a big step backwards to me.
Speaking of a step backwards, let's talk about disguises. The effectiveness of disguises in early Hitman games could be twitchy and even if you did nothing wrong, you could be found out. In 'Blood Money' they improved this mechanic by having suspicious people walk up to you and either politely ask or loudly demand for you to explain your presence in a restricted area. If you failed to respond after a few moments, THEN they would pull out their guns, which was a big improvement over them IMMEDIATELY pulling their guns to blow you away if you so much as sniffed your nose the wrong way.
Well, apparently the developers of 'Absolution' decided that people should see through your disguises quicker despite what you do, forcing you to either constantly change clothes during the mission or kill the person currently annoying you. The fact that the game now allows you to stuff two bodies in a bin, instead of one as in previous Hitman games suggests to me they expected you to choose the latter option. ^_^;
Now I'll try my best to summarize the story for this game: YEE-HAW! Well, that was easy. Seriously though, it's like the developers of the previous game were replaced with good old boys and they looked at the Mississippi missions from 'Blood Money' and said "Hot Damn! We should make the whole game like that!" Maybe they should have called this game 'Hitman: Deliverance'. ^_^;
The game's... secondary villain? Primary villain? I dunno, there were a few of them and not one of them seemed all that more important than the others... is some stereotypical redneck that we're supposed to believe heads a R&D facility when the character isn't qualified to run a pie eating contest. The other villain is a typical bland American bad guy who also seems woefully unqualified as the new head of the ICA. Also notable is that both of these baddies have hot female assistants that are clearly more intelligent than either of them but they add virtually nothing to the story.
Speaking of adding nothing, let's talk about the Saints for a moment. And I don't mean the Saints of 'Saints Row' although Johnny Gat Vs. Agent 47 would be an interesting fight. I personally had no problems with the sexy killer nuns trailer that got so many people upset, because I figured those characters and their bizarre choice of costume would be explained in greater detail in the game.
Well, unless their role was drastically reduced because of all the negative publicity, the Saints had practically no presence or impact in the game at all. They were just another hit squad that appears in one level that were ridiculously easy to pick off one by one. No backstory, no explanation why they dressed like fetish nuns, NOTHING. And I don't care if the novels (which I haven't read) or the Hitman Wiki explains them in more detail, the game gave us nothing to go on and the whole exercise was in my mind completely pointless unless it was simply to generate controversy to sell the game, in which case, mission fucking accomplished but IMHO, the execution (no pun intended) stunk.
Now I'd like to discuss the main character, Agent 47 for a moment. For those new to the series, his basic backstory is that he is a clone that was trained as an assassin. He killed his creator and briefly attempted to live a normal life but found it to be impossible. He accepted this truth and what he was and became the perfect Hitman. And while he is not completely without emotion or empathy, he never lets it interfere with his job. He is also NOT a fool who takes on situations beyond his abilities to handle or acts like an idiot unless the player decides to play him that way during a mission.
In 'Absolution', Agent 47 commits several acts out of the player's control which can only be described as FUCKING STUPID. Chief among them, he gives up his famous silenced baller pistols to an informant in exchange for information, which he would NEVER do in a million years. Did the game have so little confidence in its enemy AI that it felt the need to make Agent 47 as vulnerable as possible? Or maybe they did it so they would have a weak excuse to explain away a later scene where the Redneck's main henchman, who's basically Bane from 'Batman' without the mask, knocks Agent 47 out when he attempts to GAROTTE him. REALLY?
I'm sorry, but I simply can't summon the suspension of disbelief necessary to buy that the world's greatest hitman is so stupid that he thinks he can strangle to death a man several times his own size when a bullet would do the job far more safely and efficiently. But no, the game needed to have Agent 47 unconscious and vulnerable and this was the only way the developers could think of to do it. ^_^;
Let's see, what else did I miss... Yeah, the graphics look nice, I guess. But the scope of the game felt reduced with the smaller rooms so it didn't really impress me. The music was crap, but then that's no surprise since Jesper Kyd wasn't involved in scoring this game and personally, I'm kinda glad he wasn't involved with this shit. Oh yeah, there was also a sequence late in the game where a big deal is made of Agent 47 getting his famous trademark silk suit back... which he then promptly leaves behind getting into disguise to infiltrate a building. Unless, of course, you go in guns blazing. 9_9
So yeah, I pretty much despised this game. I only played through it once and I have honestly no desire whatsoever to do so again. If you've never played a Hitman game before, I strongly urge you to pick up 'Hitman: Blood Money' for the 360 or PC instead as it is SO much better, IMHO.
18 August 2013
#2LR - Highlander, with Rifftrax
Diving right in, as there's not been too much content lately...
Tonight's #2LR review is the '86 cult favorite Highlander, featuring Conor "Le Frenchy" MacLeod and The Kurgan, not to mention Sean Connery as the world's most macholy fey Spaniard.
Spoiler(?) space below:
The movie opens with pro wrestling... I was really curious why the playacting fighting, especially since the first fight between "Frenchy" MacLeod and the odd German/Wall Street suited-type dude was just as playacting. At one point during the fight, it broke into the floor exercise, with multiple handflips backward by the German dude, who at this point I was mistaking as a member of the East German women's gymnastic team.
Throughout this scene... really, throughout the whole movie, we get treated to an extended flashback of "Frenchy" MacLeod's childhood in Scotcherfrance. It seems that he was intentionally wading into a battle with another clan, and this is where we first meet The Kurgan, who oddly already knows that MacLeod is a (or will be an) immortal. Yes, Kurgan's first name is "The". Anyway, The Kurgan manages to run Frenchy through, but before The Kurgan can remove Frenchy's head, Clan MacLeod comes to his defense and drives off The Kurgan. (HOW??)
Back in the present, the cops find out about the deheadening, and we end up treated to The Last Grizzled Cop <tm> and the Forensics chick. Forensics girl finds the German's sword left behind, and marvels that it would be worth "one meeel-yon dollars" (oh, wrong movie). She happens to be a published expert on the subject of medieval weapons. Meanwhile, our buddy Frenchy gets caught doing eighty-eight miles an hour out of the parking garage, looking like the guiltiest New Yorker ever. He doesn't get charged (?!), and leaves the station.
Later, after a bar pickup gone back, MacLeod runs across The Kurgan again, but Forensics gets a front-row seat to the battle. The battle ends up being a screwjob, with a police helicopter serving as the plot fodder. Both retreat, but The Kurgan ends up blabbing more of MacLeod's past.
Afterward, MacLeod finds another Immortal, who for some reason isn't fighting him (or vice-versa). The other Immortal ends up running across The Kurgan, who beheads him without too much muss or fuss, and the police end up learning that MacLeod is at least not the only one removing heads around New York.
The action goes away for a while to try to set up MacLeod's tragic backstory, to give Sean Connery some screentime in a desperate bid for legitimacy, and to try its awfully hardest to make Forensics Chick into the female lead. Needless to say, all fail miserably, especially Point #3.
Back in the present, The Kurgan runs across MacLeod lighting candles to his old sweetie in a church. Immortals are forbidden from fighting in the church (why? Because THE KURGAN says so, dangit.), so The Kurgan resorts to verbal taunting. Not only of MacLeod but of the whole church, almost saving what little of the film he could. After uttering his famous line ("I have something to say. It's better to burn out than to fade away!"), the movie is allowed to plod to its conclusion.
The Kurgan takes Forensics Chick in order to trap MacLeod, and it works. After another tepid sword battle where the combatants may not Glow but their weapons do, MacLeod manages to separate The Kurgan's head... bummer. Frenchy's prize(s)? Forensics chick and the ability to die, along with "being one with all living things". You can tell that this was back in the day, long before movies were written purely to set up sequels, and the ending just didn't matter.
Spoiler space over
This movie was... well, it is a choice piece of 80s nostalgia, at least. The fight sequences aren't exactly Hong Kong action, especially with the sword-waving. It certainly has its unintentional comedy though, which seemed to have saved the movie. The Kurgan was far more fascinating than I would have thought based on his first appearance... the skull armor, in 15th century Scotcherfrance? The church scene was absolutely STOLEN by The Kurgan, for the better. I miss him already, and many other movies could use a character like The Kurgan as an antagonist for extra enjoyment.
Sadly, The Kurgan couldn't save this. I know that this is a cult favorite, and I am certainly NOT one to speak down to cult favorites (*cough* MST3k, Firefly, Star Trek, etc.) but I did see my answer when I went to the Wikipedia page. This sentence was waiting:
"Gregory Widen wrote the script to Highlander, which he then titled Shadow Clan, as a class assignment while he was an undergraduate in the screenwriting program at UCLA."
I have two words for that. "It shows". The back-and-forth flashbacks were odd, the casting was FAR odder, and while the movie could have had some interesting implications if they really carried through "The Prize" successfully, it was a complete cop-out to receive great power limited by mortality. NOT an astounding prize, and while they did put together sequels, I'm certainly not watching them.
My apologies if I'm missing anything in this movie, but it heartily deserves its 1.3 . The Kurgan, you get 1.2 of those points, and the other tenth is for Sean Connery's "Spanish" outfit, a visual feast of red velvet and regret.
The Rifftrax, however, gets the film a solid 2.8. Mike, Kevin, and Bill did as best they could, and this is one of those movies that at least tried their darndest to build the mythos and plot. It's just too bad that the script was so hobbled, much less "Frenchy" MacLeod and Forensics Chick, both woefully miscast. The Rifftrax comes highly recommended for those people who love Highlander, who enjoy laughing at the 80s, or who don't mind sitting through long portions of a movie (aka "the swordfights") without much to recommend itself.
Forthcoming, the promised essays on spoof movies.
Tonight's #2LR review is the '86 cult favorite Highlander, featuring Conor "Le Frenchy" MacLeod and The Kurgan, not to mention Sean Connery as the world's most macholy fey Spaniard.
Spoiler(?) space below:
The movie opens with pro wrestling... I was really curious why the playacting fighting, especially since the first fight between "Frenchy" MacLeod and the odd German/Wall Street suited-type dude was just as playacting. At one point during the fight, it broke into the floor exercise, with multiple handflips backward by the German dude, who at this point I was mistaking as a member of the East German women's gymnastic team.
Throughout this scene... really, throughout the whole movie, we get treated to an extended flashback of "Frenchy" MacLeod's childhood in Scotcherfrance. It seems that he was intentionally wading into a battle with another clan, and this is where we first meet The Kurgan, who oddly already knows that MacLeod is a (or will be an) immortal. Yes, Kurgan's first name is "The". Anyway, The Kurgan manages to run Frenchy through, but before The Kurgan can remove Frenchy's head, Clan MacLeod comes to his defense and drives off The Kurgan. (HOW??)
Back in the present, the cops find out about the deheadening, and we end up treated to The Last Grizzled Cop <tm> and the Forensics chick. Forensics girl finds the German's sword left behind, and marvels that it would be worth "one meeel-yon dollars" (oh, wrong movie). She happens to be a published expert on the subject of medieval weapons. Meanwhile, our buddy Frenchy gets caught doing eighty-eight miles an hour out of the parking garage, looking like the guiltiest New Yorker ever. He doesn't get charged (?!), and leaves the station.
Later, after a bar pickup gone back, MacLeod runs across The Kurgan again, but Forensics gets a front-row seat to the battle. The battle ends up being a screwjob, with a police helicopter serving as the plot fodder. Both retreat, but The Kurgan ends up blabbing more of MacLeod's past.
Afterward, MacLeod finds another Immortal, who for some reason isn't fighting him (or vice-versa). The other Immortal ends up running across The Kurgan, who beheads him without too much muss or fuss, and the police end up learning that MacLeod is at least not the only one removing heads around New York.
The action goes away for a while to try to set up MacLeod's tragic backstory, to give Sean Connery some screentime in a desperate bid for legitimacy, and to try its awfully hardest to make Forensics Chick into the female lead. Needless to say, all fail miserably, especially Point #3.
Back in the present, The Kurgan runs across MacLeod lighting candles to his old sweetie in a church. Immortals are forbidden from fighting in the church (why? Because THE KURGAN says so, dangit.), so The Kurgan resorts to verbal taunting. Not only of MacLeod but of the whole church, almost saving what little of the film he could. After uttering his famous line ("I have something to say. It's better to burn out than to fade away!"), the movie is allowed to plod to its conclusion.
The Kurgan takes Forensics Chick in order to trap MacLeod, and it works. After another tepid sword battle where the combatants may not Glow but their weapons do, MacLeod manages to separate The Kurgan's head... bummer. Frenchy's prize(s)? Forensics chick and the ability to die, along with "being one with all living things". You can tell that this was back in the day, long before movies were written purely to set up sequels, and the ending just didn't matter.
Spoiler space over
This movie was... well, it is a choice piece of 80s nostalgia, at least. The fight sequences aren't exactly Hong Kong action, especially with the sword-waving. It certainly has its unintentional comedy though, which seemed to have saved the movie. The Kurgan was far more fascinating than I would have thought based on his first appearance... the skull armor, in 15th century Scotcherfrance? The church scene was absolutely STOLEN by The Kurgan, for the better. I miss him already, and many other movies could use a character like The Kurgan as an antagonist for extra enjoyment.
Sadly, The Kurgan couldn't save this. I know that this is a cult favorite, and I am certainly NOT one to speak down to cult favorites (*cough* MST3k, Firefly, Star Trek, etc.) but I did see my answer when I went to the Wikipedia page. This sentence was waiting:
"Gregory Widen wrote the script to Highlander, which he then titled Shadow Clan, as a class assignment while he was an undergraduate in the screenwriting program at UCLA."
I have two words for that. "It shows". The back-and-forth flashbacks were odd, the casting was FAR odder, and while the movie could have had some interesting implications if they really carried through "The Prize" successfully, it was a complete cop-out to receive great power limited by mortality. NOT an astounding prize, and while they did put together sequels, I'm certainly not watching them.
My apologies if I'm missing anything in this movie, but it heartily deserves its 1.3 . The Kurgan, you get 1.2 of those points, and the other tenth is for Sean Connery's "Spanish" outfit, a visual feast of red velvet and regret.
The Rifftrax, however, gets the film a solid 2.8. Mike, Kevin, and Bill did as best they could, and this is one of those movies that at least tried their darndest to build the mythos and plot. It's just too bad that the script was so hobbled, much less "Frenchy" MacLeod and Forensics Chick, both woefully miscast. The Rifftrax comes highly recommended for those people who love Highlander, who enjoy laughing at the 80s, or who don't mind sitting through long portions of a movie (aka "the swordfights") without much to recommend itself.
Forthcoming, the promised essays on spoof movies.
03 August 2013
Five weeks later...
I apologize to the readers of this blog, I've pretty much taken a six-week hiatus from writing. I will have a few more reviews to post soon, including a general overview of the television show "Castle" and hopefully a couple more films too. I have been out of town for much of July, in Florida and in Michigan at different times, as well as being sick for much of the past week, but I should be able to post new content soon.
Thanks for your patience!
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